Grateful for Waiting

Simone Weil wrote, “Waiting patiently in expectation is the foundation of the spiritual life.”

Nobody likes to wait. I sure don’t. I get frustrated when my smart phone cannot keep up with my swipes. I hate sitting in traffic. I find it difficult to understand why someone cannot respond immediately to my text or email.

But I am grateful for the opportunity to wait for things that truly matter.

I waited for six months for a real date with my now husband of fourteen years.

I waited for four years, and through one miscarriage, to celebrate the arrival of a beautiful little girl.

I waited for sixteen years to live into the promise of a call on my life from God. This was the waiting that changed me. It was hard waiting. Waiting on this call to get some legs and take a firm shape challenged my identity and my theology. This waiting pierced my heart and left me questioning the very soul of the matter.

But the waiting also left me helpless to bring about the results I desired. The waiting took control from my hands and eventually even the desire to control. The waiting brought about a deeper surrender than I had ever known; a moment when I could truly say, “Whatever You want God; that is what I want.” And strangely enough, I really meant it.

Waiting has carved deep places into my soul where God has filled in the holes and that causes gratitude to well up in me.

The waiting itself isn’t pleasant and the moment to moment, nitty-gritty day to day living of the waiting doesn’t feel holy. It feels downright profane. The waiting feels like drowning, every day, in a sea of doubt and hurt. Hope was forgotten and faith felt fake.

But still, I will give thanks for the waiting and for the changing as it brings me closer to the One I love.

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